The Administrator

The rumours are true: I have returned to gainful employment (as opposed to the apparently gainless unemployment of full-time childrearing) as an admin shitkicker for a small not-for-profit company.

Mostly, it is a very happy situation.  I like them and they like me. Or at least they SAY they like me. They certainly like the baked goods I bring in and they support my use of The Chicken Of Persuasion as an upward management tool.

HOWEVER, they will not let me have my own business card. They SAY it’s because I never actually leave the office and meet anyone but *I* say it’s because they read my post-from-a-previous-life about self-laminating my business cards with sticky-tape and handing them to [famous] people. I mean, as if I’d do that. Shuh!

Subsequently, they SAY I can use the ‘generic’ business card should I ever need to give someone a business card (for example, the lady who collects the sanitary hygeine unit),  to which *I* say (while stamping my feet and pouting a little in a most professional manner) that I intend to personally hand write my name in glittery pen on Every. Single. Generic. Business. Card until I’ve made all those generic bitches my own.


As compensation, my boss said I could come up with my own job title. I was delighted as I’d only recently confided (read: complained) to him that ‘Admin Assistant’ was not a title befitting a woman of my age and experience (read: ego).

My face must have given something away because he was quick to add to his offer that it needed to be “within reason”.

“For example, you can’t choose a job title like ‘Queen [NDM] The Best’,” he said.

Of course the minute he SAID ‘Queen [NDM] The Best’, it became the job title I’d wanted, like, ALL. MY. LIFE. especially when I saw how good it looked in my email signature in Comic Sans font – centre-aligned, of course. And then, when I wrote it on a generic card with a little crown instead of the dot above the ‘i’ in my [actual] name, it felt like all the pieces of the puzzle of my life had come together… to form an ‘i’ with a crown instead of the dot.

In the end, however, I settled for ‘Administrator’. It must be said, though, that I pushed quite heavily for ‘THE Administrator’ (like The Terminator in an “I’ll be back… to photocopy your board papers” kind of way).

And it should also be noted that I subsequently awarded my boss a similar courtesy and allowed him to choose his own blog nom de guerre. He chose ‘Houston’. He SAYS it is in honour of the recently departed Whitney but *I* say it’s Houston as in “Houston, we have a problem… with our Administrator.”

History will decide.


12 responses to “The Administrator

  1. How well you have grasped the office dynamic Queen NDM. Will you be handing out knighthoods along with board papers?

  2. hahahhahahahah this made my day
    hitt me back, if your in for some serious outlooks on life take a look at the category free writes, if you want a laugh check out the category Diaries of an Asshole

  3. I forgot how much I love reading you. Imagine what an awesome administrator you’d be?

  4. Queen NDM, you are really taking to your new role. Hoping to read more about your adventures in office.

  5. Everyone deserves their own business cards. Don’t let The Man hold you down, girl.
    Make them, hand them out, just be covert about it. Houston will never know.

  6. Love this, my Queen NDM! So good to see you back in print…

    Just keep chipping away and, in a few months, the terms of employment might have changed 🙂

  7. Brilliant. This is the anti-American Psycho (you know, the business card envy bit). If I call you at work do you answer “Adminis-drador speaking. I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.”?

  8. Your Majesty, if I may be permitted to grovel, It’s good to have you back disseminating your particular kind of humour, amongst your loyal subjects. I remain your faithful servant, Sir Fender of Twitter……. 🙂

  9. With respect, your Majesty……
    “She’s baaaack!”

  10. Really happy that I just found your blog and this was the first post I read. So funny! Your boss’s ‘within reason’ example sounds like he knows you only too well.

  11. Your Majesty. (Drops deepest courtesy her knees will allow)

  12. Do we bow, curtesy, tip our hat, or grovel?

    I so missed you, Queen NDM The Best! My children look at me strangely as I laugh hysterically while reading your blog. I know they know I’m bonkers and it only reinforces the fact.

    Thank you, from the bottom of my drowning heart, for being a light at the end of the tunnel.

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