‘My Dream Job’ by The NDM (aged 43 and a bit)

After several weeks of dedicated job hunting, I’m now hoping to find a job with “Must have experience responding to Key Selection Criteria” as one of its Key Selection Criteria.  Or so I said on Facebook the other day and if I said it on Facebook it must be true.

This led me to identify some other Key Selection Criteria I’m hoping to find out there.  BECAUSE I WOULD TOTALLY OWN THEM.

KEY SELECTION CRITERIA FOR THE JOB I WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT FOR

1. Must be able to demonstrate how excellent your written communication skills are and how keen an eye for detail you have in response to a Key Selection Criteria riddled with grammatical errors and spelling mistakes.

2. Must own an outfit and/or pair of shoes that are completely unlike anything else in your wardrobe and in which you are unable to move or even breathe properly but which fall into the “good for interviews” category.  Must also be willing to wear said item on public transport at peak hour on a 40 degree celsius day.

3. Must have the ability to completely lie about your ability with all MS Office products.

4. Must possess a keen sense of irony when describing yourself as “highly self-motivated” in an application that is written while sitting in your pyjamas at 3pm drinking coffee from a soup bowl because you can’t be arsed washing any of the mugs.

5. Must have a natural aversion to job advertisements that use exclamation marks or describe an outer suburban conveyancing firm as a “dynamic workplace”. In addition, this natural aversion should extend to any job where the position description uses the catchall phrase “other administrative duties, as required”.

6. Must be willing to shamelessly use a two day temping assignment you once did while on a working holiday in London as an example of how you, like, totally meet one of the selection criteria.

7. Must have a zen-like ability to accept that, once submitted, it is unlikely you will ever hear from us about the application. Because it’s reasonable for us to ask you to respond to seventeen key selection criteria but it’s totally unreasonable for you to expect us to write a single sentence email informing you weren’t successful in your application.