‘My Dream Job’ by The NDM (aged 43 and a bit)

After several weeks of dedicated job hunting, I’m now hoping to find a job with “Must have experience responding to Key Selection Criteria” as one of its Key Selection Criteria.  Or so I said on Facebook the other day and if I said it on Facebook it must be true.

This led me to identify some other Key Selection Criteria I’m hoping to find out there.  BECAUSE I WOULD TOTALLY OWN THEM.

KEY SELECTION CRITERIA FOR THE JOB I WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT FOR

1. Must be able to demonstrate how excellent your written communication skills are and how keen an eye for detail you have in response to a Key Selection Criteria riddled with grammatical errors and spelling mistakes.

2. Must own an outfit and/or pair of shoes that are completely unlike anything else in your wardrobe and in which you are unable to move or even breathe properly but which fall into the “good for interviews” category.  Must also be willing to wear said item on public transport at peak hour on a 40 degree celsius day.

3. Must have the ability to completely lie about your ability with all MS Office products.

4. Must possess a keen sense of irony when describing yourself as “highly self-motivated” in an application that is written while sitting in your pyjamas at 3pm drinking coffee from a soup bowl because you can’t be arsed washing any of the mugs.

5. Must have a natural aversion to job advertisements that use exclamation marks or describe an outer suburban conveyancing firm as a “dynamic workplace”. In addition, this natural aversion should extend to any job where the position description uses the catchall phrase “other administrative duties, as required”.

6. Must be willing to shamelessly use a two day temping assignment you once did while on a working holiday in London as an example of how you, like, totally meet one of the selection criteria.

7. Must have a zen-like ability to accept that, once submitted, it is unlikely you will ever hear from us about the application. Because it’s reasonable for us to ask you to respond to seventeen key selection criteria but it’s totally unreasonable for you to expect us to write a single sentence email informing you weren’t successful in your application.

About these ads

10 responses to “‘My Dream Job’ by The NDM (aged 43 and a bit)

  1. I love this … I am cacking myself
    But you left out, “Must enjoy being ‘vetted’ by 12 year old named Tiffany who has no idea what skills a writing job actually requires, but has a tick-a-box list in front of her from her ‘client.’”

  2. Hahaha… Love it Bimb. Highly self-motivated #knowthefeeling

    Hope one of those assholes replies soon x x

    Verstuurd vanaf mijn iPhone

  3. You crack me up. So lovely to see you today.

  4. I’m right there with you. Responding to KSC is just plain bloody awful and I am at the point where I just want to write that organising a household with 3 kids and 5 pets means that I can well and truly do the job!

    • Yep, I hear you. Here’s a sample from my CV:

      2002 – 2011 Stay-At-Home Mum (full-time)
      Duties included: preparing meals that meet the standards and approval of the Executive; assisting the Executive in their attempt to find missing school shoes or with a sudden whim to locate “that blue teddy with the ribbon I got at the op-shop that time and call Bluey-Ribbony-Bear” that hasn’t actually been played with in over 18 months; establishing standards of minimum usage of the television (and other screens) and ensuring strict adherence to those standards, except when I’m hungover like a bastard.

  5. ach god, I am so feeling this, I am 45 yr old single mum with 2 kids age 2 & 5 just thinking about work… started volunteering at an art gallery (along with 2 teenage art student boys), in an effort to ‘get my foot in the door’ of the education department, but standing in the effin galleries, with a radio all day every saturday and sunday (“He’s looking right at me Ray..”) is killing my artsoul!!!
    Anything but going back to bloody teaching!

    Keep posting – I LOVE your stuff.. are you in Australia?

    • My advice is to look upon the experience of volunteering AS your art. I suggest smearing yourself with white paint and/or pig’s blood to *really* bring the art.

      Thanks for your kind words and yes, I am indeed in Australia.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s