Downton Abbey – A Scene

Downton-Abbey-Cast-600x337

INT. DOWNTON ABBEY – DAY

LORD GRANTHAM is on the telephone.

LORD GRANTHAM
(puts down telephone receiver)
Good god. War has just been declared.

Enter MATTHEW in full military uniform.

MATTHEW
I’ve signed up and have just completed three months’ basic training.  I’m now going to say something that Mary will find offensive before I go off to The War.

MARY
I’m taking offence!

MARY turns her head away.

MATTHEW
I’m going off to The War.

MATTHEW exits.

LADY CORY GRANTHAM
Let’s turn Downton into a convalescence hospital for officers.

In the background, we see CARSON wheeling in a hospital bed.

MATTHEW re-enters the room.

MATTHEW
I’m back from The War. Now I’m going to make up to Mary before I go back to The War.

MARY
Oh, Matthew! All is forgiven. Please take my lucky gonk. And God speed!

MATTHEW
Actually, I’m now back from The War having already gone back to The War since the last time I came back from The War earlier in this scene. But now, I’m gravely injured and unconscious.

MARY
Oh, Matthew!

MATTHEW
It’s okay, because I’ve already recovered. And my fiance has conveniently died. So now we can totally be together.

MARY
Oh, Matthew!

The telephone rings. CARSON answers it and hands the receiver to LORD GRANTHAM who listens briefly.

LORD GRANTHAM
Good god. Peace has been declared. The War is over.

In the background, we see CARSON wheeling a hospital bed out of the house.

END SCENE.

‘My Dream Job’ by The NDM (aged 43 and a bit)

After several weeks of dedicated job hunting, I’m now hoping to find a job with “Must have experience responding to Key Selection Criteria” as one of its Key Selection Criteria.  Or so I said on Facebook the other day and if I said it on Facebook it must be true.

This led me to identify some other Key Selection Criteria I’m hoping to find out there.  BECAUSE I WOULD TOTALLY OWN THEM.

KEY SELECTION CRITERIA FOR THE JOB I WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT FOR

1. Must be able to demonstrate how excellent your written communication skills are and how keen an eye for detail you have in response to a Key Selection Criteria riddled with grammatical errors and spelling mistakes.

2. Must own an outfit and/or pair of shoes that are completely unlike anything else in your wardrobe and in which you are unable to move or even breathe properly but which fall into the “good for interviews” category.  Must also be willing to wear said item on public transport at peak hour on a 40 degree celsius day.

3. Must have the ability to completely lie about your ability with all MS Office products.

4. Must possess a keen sense of irony when describing yourself as “highly self-motivated” in an application that is written while sitting in your pyjamas at 3pm drinking coffee from a soup bowl because you can’t be arsed washing any of the mugs.

5. Must have a natural aversion to job advertisements that use exclamation marks or describe an outer suburban conveyancing firm as a “dynamic workplace”. In addition, this natural aversion should extend to any job where the position description uses the catchall phrase “other administrative duties, as required”.

6. Must be willing to shamelessly use a two day temping assignment you once did while on a working holiday in London as an example of how you, like, totally meet one of the selection criteria.

7. Must have a zen-like ability to accept that, once submitted, it is unlikely you will ever hear from us about the application. Because it’s reasonable for us to ask you to respond to seventeen key selection criteria but it’s totally unreasonable for you to expect us to write a single sentence email informing you weren’t successful in your application.

Linky linky linky linky linky

Yep, it’s true. I’ve been loitering around the toilets again – or rather, hanging out at In The Powder Room. Here’s some links to some of the stuff I’ve been saying over there:

The mighty keyboard
Watch yourself: I’ve discovered on-line complaint forms.

Spectacular!
Choosing new glasses when you can’t wear your glasses to choose them is only the beginning…

MENSTRUATION 101
All the things I wish I hadn’t had to learn the hard way.

Ten ways my kids annoy the shit out of me
Kids. Gotta love ‘em… or do you? Well, yes, of course you do… but then again…

Simple systems for everyday life
For every domestic problem, there is a solution: wine.

Out of Office Assistant

I’m away from my desk right now. If you are wondering where I am and what I’m up to…

PS. Please don’t steal my post-it notes or sticky tape dispenser while I’m gone.

Look over there! Shiny shiny!

Okay, so the virtual tumbleweeds have been blowing through this blog like it’s a virtual tumbleweed convention. Or something.

But it’s not through lack of writing.

Some crazy people in the US asked me to write a ‘back to school’. post. As an Australian parent trudging out of winter towards the end of term 3, I laughed. My, how I laughed. And then, when I stopped laughing (and then crying some), I wrote this post over at ‘In The Powder Room’.

Oh, and I’ve also been up to about fifty different shades of no good over at JustB Australia.

Everywhere but here…

School Holidays Survival Guide – NDM-style

Essential reading for the parent spending any time at home with their beloved children these school holidays: http://justbaustralia.com.au/be-smart/life-school-holidays-survival-guide-15949/

More Linkiness

Over at JustB Australia, I’ve been discussing why Edward Scissorhands didn’t have it all bad when it came to open modern-day packaging and outlining a wish-list curriculum for aspiring parents